Meldog

 So, my blog was last updated 45 weeks ago...anyone want to know what I've been up to since then?

1.  Started working on my my Master's degree to become a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner (say that 3 times fast.)  I'll be done next May.

2.  My boyfriend moved in on Jan. 1...it was pretty rough at first, but now we are pretty settled.  If only we could figure out how to deal with the whole "money" thing.

3.  I became an auntie when my little brother had his first son, Tobin on March 13...expect pics soon!

In the very near future:

1.  Celebrating yet another birthday this friday, with style.  First off to an early dinner at super yummy Michael Jordan's Steakhouse and then off to see Billy Joel...I'm super excited!

2.  Ring shopping :)  He wants to get married next year...I hope he realizes that means he needs to propose soon!  We definitely need to figure out the money thing first though!


Hope all is well in your lives...been looking over the past few months of blogs, looks like some of you have some pretty exciting stuff going on!



 

By now I think the entire world has heard about what has happened here in my little corner of the world...a mother and her two daughters were murdered, the father was severely beaten but narrowly escaped.  I work at the same hospital as Dr. Petit and the whole event happened just down the street from my friend's family home.  The whole thing hits just a little too close to home, you know?  This is something you expect to see on CSI, not a story you first read about in your inbox as an e-mail from the president of the place you work.  The past few days I've obsessively been scouring the news sites and watching the news trying to find out what happened.  Today I came accross a few blogs and commenters pointing the finger at Dr. Petit.  Sick, just sick.  Like I said, its something you expect to see on CSI...you people watch too much TV...or at least don't pay close enough attention to it.  HELLO!  The first person they always suspect is the husband and/or the lone survivor.  Don't you think we would know by now if the police even suspected him?  Don't you think those two low lifes would have already pointed the finger at him?  Don't you think a Dartmouth graduate would be a little smarter than to hire to obviously bumbling idiots with no violent criminal record to rape and murder his wife and two daughters?  Oh, and P.S. they thought he was still unconscious tied up in the basement when they decided to light the house on fire and take off.  He would have been arrested already for crying out loud! The poor man, who by the way sends personal, hand written sympathy cards the the family members of his patients when they pass, just lost everything that matters in his life, leave him alone! 

So...here it is.  I don't have low self esteem (anymore.)  I think I'm great.  I'm a good person, and I deserve to be loved :)  The problem?  I don't believe it can happen.  Does that make any sense?  It's like this...I'm a show me kind of person.  I need to see it to believe it.  In my mind, it's never happened before, so why should I believe it can happen now?  Ugh.  I just want to shut my mind off and enjoy the gift I'm being given.

I need a bit of advice...had a conversation with eg the other day about Tom Cruise.  He said he dislikes Tom mostly because he "soiled" Katie.  When I asked what he meant, he said that before Katie hooked up with Tom she was a sweet wholesome girl, and then Tom ruined her.  My response was, "so you are in to wholesome girls?"  Of course he said yes, without qualification.  Now I have a bit of anxiety over the whole thing.  The thing is this...I have a lot of qualities that one would attribute to someone who is "wholesome," but one would never in a million years use the word wholesome to describe me.  Cute, sweet, nice, generous...all lables that fit me well, wholesome? No.  I like to drink, sometimes I even get drunk.  I used to smoke.  I've had sex with a lot of people, been intimate with even more.  I've smoked pot.  I swear quite regularly.  I can be mean, bitchy, and catty sometimes.  Sometimes I like to wear revealing clothing.  I like who I am, I make no apoligies.  I've made some mistakes in my life that I don't dwell on (or at least try not to).  I know I am a good person, and I strive everyday to be a better person, for my own sake, not anybody elses'.

I really like this guy, and we all know how many difficulties I've had keeping men around.  I've gotten to a point where I always hope things are going to work out, but never expect them to.  Yes, he should like me for who I am and not judge me, but people have deal breakers, I know I do, and I can accept that.  So here's the part I need help with...do I have a discussion with him about this stuff with the knowledge that it could potentially turn him off from me?  The benefit of this plan would be that my anxiety would certainly subside one way or another.  Option two is to just let the issue go (not one of my strengths) and hope my anxiety subsides.  I'm open to any suggestions!

Sorry I've been gone so long kiddies...I've been very busy!

Let's see, working on applying to grad school...le sigh...I'm not looking forward to PAYING for grad school.  

Oh yes...the love life, I know I NEVER talk about that here ;-)  Things are going well with EG.  I always try not to get my hopes up, given my track record and all, but I am smitten.  We've upped our once weekly outings to twice weekly get togethers, including cozy nights at home.  Last night was the best one yet.  He cooked me dinner:  salmon, baked potatos, and salad...yum-o!  We then settled in to watch Stranger Than Fiction which was pretty good, except for the fact that the DVD was scratched and kept doing that annoying stop/skip thing.  Needless to say we missed a few parts, but I'm over it.  Anyhow.  Afterwards he was so cute...he had his hand on my back, so I asked him to rub my back.  Next thing I know he jumps behind me, and rubs for a few minutes, then he just wraps his arms around me.  I just love when guys do this, I dunno, it makes me feel kinda both protected and cared for.  Anywho, after sitting like that for a few moments, I said, "Ok, time to go, you have work in the morning."  So he says, "OK," but just sits there with his arms around me.  So I say, "You know, in order for me to get up you have to let go of me," to which he replies, "I know, but I don't want to."  I almost died right there.  Yeah, as you might imagine, I'm pretty used to the lines guys use by now, but honestly, with EG things are so different.  I really feel like he means what he says.  I guess the big reason is that I feel like he's not just trying to get in my pants.  Granted, at this point he very well may be trying to get in my pants, but I know that's not the only thing he's looking for.  I mean, I've been talking to the guy since mid-November, and we've done nothing more than kiss.  O.K., there have been some pretty lengthy lip lock sessions...but that's it, not even over the clothes groping.  So, you're probably thinking "how boring," but really It's pretty darn nice considering my recent past.

In any case, I get to meet some of his friends this week.  He's turning 29 on thursday (yes, I'm dating a younger man) and he made it a point to let me know how much he wants me to come to his celebration on friday...yippee!  I hope he likes what I got him...tickets to a Red Sox v. Braves game.  The only trick now is to keep on his good graces until mid-May so I can go with him.

Ok...that's all for now...it's nap time.  Nighty-night.

Ok...30 is coming fast.  I know, I know, to a lot of you I'm still a baby, but check this one out.  The guy that has lived accross the street from my dad for the past 19 years just had his 50th birthday party tonight.  When my girlfriend and I were about 15/16 years old we went with him, his wife, and his 6 month daughter to Newport.  They had a family wedding to go to and my girlfriend and I were there to watch the daughter and her three cousins...a five month old girl and 2 and a half year old twin boys.  Over the years I've watched Tori (the daughter) grow up, but the cousins I've only seen pictures of.  Well, they were there at the party, and oh God do I feel old.  They were talking about driving and prom...PROM!  Gosh, the words "I changed your diapers" were on the tip of my tongue all night...luckily a few glasses of good chardonay helped to clear all that up.  Oh yeah, and those boys now both tower over me...so not only am I old, I'm short as well.  Great.

I've managed to run yet another one off...I am awe at my ability to scare men off at alarming speed.  Last week I saw CG for Valentine's day...it was a spur of the moment and mostly unromantic night.  I spent the night and forgot my glasses...but didn't realize it.  CG went away for the weekend and I searched high and low, convinced that I had them when I left his house.  Finally on tuesday I e-mailed him to see if he had found them.  I knew things were over when he e-mailed me on wednesday and told me he had found them and dropped them in the mail because he thougt I would get them quicker that way.  Great.  Yesterday he sends me this e-mail:

This is hard to write about, but it isn't right to just keep quiet. I'm really feeling like I need to move on. I am just too restless, and meeting too many people. Although we have fun, I need to stop seeing you so that I am emotionally available for a relationship with someone else. I am really sorry that I can't seem to be able to forge one with you. I know that I have been hurting you by not keeping in touch - it really isn't fair to you.

You are a great woman, and your kindness, cuteness, reliability and inteligence are  much appreciated. If you need to despise me, I completely understand, but I do hope you won't.

Yeah, it doesn't really make all that much sense to me.  I don't despise him, at least he was honest...even though he chose e-mail to break up with me!  I was talking things over with my friend Kelly today at lunch...this is always what happens to me...they break up with me and tell me how great and wonderful I am and then that I deserve better.  Kelly asks me if I'd ever considered dating an adult, because that is somthing only a boy could come up with!  

In any event, I'm not too broken up about it...things haven't been good for awhile and I knew it was going to happen eventually.  I have a date tonight with EG anyway...onward and upward!

So I'm always telling you all about my mis-adventures in dating, how could I leave out the most romantic day of the year, right?  So things with cg and I hadn't been going so great...I turned into some weak crazy psycho chick that I hated, and he was just being evil (in my mind anyway.)  So here was the solution...I made a date with the engineer and made sure cg knew about it (cuz I flat out told him.)  And the result?  Things have been pretty darn good between us.  Like everywhere else we had a Valentine's day snow storm, a couple of inches of snow followed by wintery mix.  CG usually teaches on Wednesday, but because of the snow, classes were canceled.  He called me the second he found out and asked me to come visit.  He is a Seattle native and not fond of driving in the snow, so I, a native New Englander, drove to see him.  I know, that's a bunch of b.s. but it was better than the prospect of spending the night alone on Valentine's Day...or even worse volunteering to go to work!  We had a nice night...I let him pay for dinner & then I spent the night at his place :P

Ok, on to the engineer...sent him a quick e-mail Saturday that basically said, "Sorry I stopped dating you, I suck at dating, I'd like to see you again."  He was pleasantly surprised and we are going out on Saturday...Ice Skating and dinner, fun!

So now what.  I hate the fact that I "like" two guys at the same time.  What if cg and I decide to have an exclusive relationship?  What if I decide I like the engineer better?  Ugh.  Am I using cg so I don't make the same mistakes with someone else (i.e. sleeping with them too soon?)  Am I using the engineer to keep me occupied until cg figures out what he wants?  I don't know.  If I don't know does that mean I'm not really using either of them, or that I'm using them both?  They both have different qualities that I admire, and they both have some things about them that I seriously need to think about before committing myself to either of them.  

While I am quite happy and content right now, I am extremely uneasy about what the future holds.

Ok...that's enough for today :)

Did you ever have one of those moments when you realized that you were, with out a doubt, behaving like a complete asshole?  (Runs and buries head in sand a la ostrich.)  Yeah, I knew it...but I didn't know it know it, ya know?

The silliest part? CG, despite my recent outbreak of insanity, told me today that he likes me as much now as he ever did.  Makes me want to question his sanity.  Either he's lost it, or I've grossly underrated the power of good...well never you mind about that.

Today I will not:
1) Respond to his e-mail
2) Call him
3) Go in to work...even though I could use the extra $$$

Today I will:
1) Be a bitch and i don't care
2) Eat a big whopping bowl of whole wheat pasta with garlic and olive oil...AND THEN
3) Eat a huge bowl of East Indian Trading Company Ice Cream that I made with my own two hands.

SO THERE :P !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!